When I first moved to Chicago, I lived at the building where the Groupon business was located. I forget the address, but it was in River North. I didn’t really like this building because you had to carry your dog through the lobby. They were like doggist against dogs. I found a condo for rent at 451 West Huron. I really liked that building. If you ever see the penthouse for sale, you should buy it, CC. After that, I took a new job. I was gonna quit my job and work as a locums doctor, but then I found another job. I was at St. James Hospital in Olympia Fields, which is where R. Kelly is from. Around that time, I started dating this girl. She said she liked furrtography and her dad was best friends with Joe Biden. At that time, Joe Biden was the Vice President. The family was from Delaware and the parents had owned an ambulance company that they sold. The dad just worked at a car dealership for fun and the mom Rosaria was some kind of big shot in Chicago public schools. The girl would break up with me like every other week. It was a lot of stress on me because I’m also a doctor. I like to have a stable relationship at home. I liked her a lot, though. We had fun and she made me laugh. Then my friend Alex, who I met through Carl, asked if I wanted to live with him in Wicker Park. I thought about it and I thought to myself that it would probably change my life if I lived with him. I never lived with someone who was that tall. Alex is 6’7″ and he played basketball in college. He was a radiology resident at the hospital I was working with. It’s kind of unusual for an attending to live with a resident, but we were about the same age, so it didn’t really matter. So I moved in with Alex and we went out like every night. Alex is probably the coolest guy I ever met in my life. That’s why I would never hurt him and he would never hurt me. And both of us lived with Sammy, so we would never hurt Sammy unless it was an accident. And Sammy’s our best friend other than each other and our other best friends. So, you know, me and Alex, we’re both in the mafia. Alex is in the Serbian mafia and I’m in the Indian mafia. So that was the beginning of the Serbian mafia joining forces with the Indian mafia. You know, there’s this food item called cevapcici. It’s spelled C-E-V-A-P-C-I-C-I. I think. Anyways, they only have it at the Chicago street festivals, but it’s a Serbian food, and that’s my favorite Chicago food, actually. It’s not the Chicago dog, or the deep dish pizza, or the fajitas. So the Indian mafia and the Serbian mafia were the first two that joined forces. Then, the two of us joined forces with the Lebanese mafia. Carl was the representative of that. So the Indian mafia, the Serbian mafia, and the Lebanese mafia joined forces first. Then we added on the Jewish mafia with Max and Ari. I added the Irish mafia myself. I added the Italian mafia myself. With the help of Corleone, who called me when I was in Hawaii. Those are really the only mafias in the world. The rest are kind of just mobs. French mob, Spanish mob, African warlord mob, Latino mob, Latina mob. Both of those mobs are known as the cartel, by the way. What separates a mafia from a mob? Mafia doesn’t even say the word mafia. I’m only allowed to because I got the Omerta pass from Puzo, Don Puzo. And Don Corleone called me to introduce me to Don Puzo. Or maybe Don Puzo introduced me to Don Corleone. I don’t know. Either way, we’re all on the same team, like the song says.
So I don’t really know why anyone in any mafia would be trying to fuck with us. We really have the big shot, big hit mafias together. You know, the ones that’ll teleport an assassin in a car with a fucking machine gun near your house, and then they just drive by and spray your house and the bullets teleport into the house and just kill you. That’s the kind of shit our mafia does. As for the body, it just disappears, as does all the blood. And then we send someone who looks like you to go live in your house. And then, you know, I have the alien mafia. I have the predator mafia, and I know the emperor predator. If you ever feel like two knives are shoved in your back, that’s a predator fucking killing you. Yeah, they’re just converting you into a predator. That’s why they call me Predator Hooah. I had those knives in my back many times from those predators when I first met them. I killed his three best soldiers. That makes me his three best soldiers now. That’s why they call me Triple Hoowa Predator. Sorry, Triple Hoowa, Triple Predator. THTP, that’s my nickname in the predator world. You see, mafia is all about telling stories, and I tell the best stories, and I remember everything that happened, so I can tell the stories. All these things really happened. And I have to give credit to the Jewish mafia for making this app so I can tell all these stories so easily. It really simplifies things, so I don’t have to type this shit out. I don’t know why no one remembers that I read that book Night. After I read that, I would never hurt a Jewish person, even if they were trying to analyze how much shit’s in my rectal vault. I mean, I’m glad someone’s able to tell that information. I mean, perhaps you could use it more as a gastroenterologist than a… bitch witch.